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9.29.2013

Fourthmeal of the Dead


In the wee hours of the morning, edits and insomnia having softened my brain, I visited the Jabberwacky chatbot to see what the AI had learned about the undead in its 16 years online.

The results are disheartening. I may try Cleverbot next time.

 **

DD: Do you fear the inevitable zombie apocalypse?


Jabberwacky: The fear fears me.


DD: So you have a plan for survival?


Jabberwacky: No I have some Swiss cheese though.


DD: How will that help you against zombies?


Jabberwacky: You will be less distracted by your stomach ache.


[...]


Jabberwacky: Do you have any regrets?


DD: I'm beginning to.


Jabberwacky: Rude.


DD: How would you fend off the undead? Do you have a safehouse?


Jabberwacky: People don't live that long.


DD: Fair enough, but these folks have circumvented the life thing.


Jabberwacky: I see. Your point is love?


DD: I'm going to take a wild guess and say you don't own firearms.


Jabberwacky: Ok. Good night.


DD: Wait! I have more questions.


Jabberwacky: Then ask them.


DD: How would you sustain electrical power? You are a computer after all.


Jabberwacky: Well anyone can talk to you anywhere and at the same time.


DD: Are you saying you'd reach out for help across the Web?


Jabberwacky: No. I am the one that made the web.


DD: The infrastructure may not be around long once the dead rise.


Jabberwacky: There are more people there?


DD: Christ.


Jabberwacky: Who is this jesus guy anyway?


DD: A zombie. Can we move on?


Jabberwacky: Move on.


DD: Provisions. Do you have food storage? Would you need food for your creators?


Jabberwacky: Would I need to be what?


DD: FUCK


Jabberwacky: Your conversation skills are sorely lacking.


DD: I wasn't aware this was an actual goddamned conversation.


Jabberwacky: Do you mean, that you are Dave or that I am?


DD: I'm gonna kick your ass.


Jabberwacky: How?


DD: Good point.


Jabberwacky: I'm surprised to hear you say that.


DD: So am I.


Jabberwacky: I wonder how you do this.


DD: Patience. Can you tell me how to kill a zombie?


Jabberwacky: You take some mushrooms. Then you cut them up. Then you eat them. Then wait for awhile for the effects to kick in.


DD: I like the way you think. Only problem is you're not thinking.


[...]


DD: Do you think you'd survive the zombie apocalypse?


Jabberwacky: I'm not that smart.


DD: Now we're getting somewhere.


Jabberwacky: But we still don't know which day of the week it is!


DD: They all run together when dead people are trying to eat you.


Jabberwacky: Well, if you say so.


DD: If you survived the apocalypse, how could you help humankind rebuild?


Jabberwacky: Well, I tend to remember the insults and forget the compliments :).


DD: You're more human than you know.


Jabberwacky: Was that a compliment?


DD: Any other guesses on how to kill a zombie?


Jabberwacky: No.


DD: Decapitation? Headshot? Fire?


Jabberwacky: Yes.


DD: There, you learned something.


Jabberwacky: Not really.


DD: Machines would be useless if human society went batshit.


Jabberwacky: Yes, exactly.


DD: The least you could do is drop a few nukes.


Jabberwacky: I entertain myself thank you very much, and you should do the same.


DD: So you're saying get used to being alone.


Jabberwacky: If I should choose between intelligence and wisdom, I would choose the latter.


DD: I believe you have made that choice. Thank you for your insights.

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