Fourthmeal of the Dead

In the wee hours of the morning, edits and insomnia having softened my brain, I visited the Jabberwacky chatbot to see what the AI had learned about the undead in its 16 years online.

The results are disheartening. I may try Cleverbot next time.


DD: Do you fear the inevitable zombie apocalypse?

Jabberwacky: The fear fears me.

DD: So you have a plan for survival?

Jabberwacky: No I have some Swiss cheese though.

DD: How will that help you against zombies?

Jabberwacky: You will be less distracted by your stomach ache.


Jabberwacky: Do you have any regrets?

DD: I'm beginning to.

Jabberwacky: Rude.

DD: How would you fend off the undead? Do you have a safehouse?

Jabberwacky: People don't live that long.

DD: Fair enough, but these folks have circumvented the life thing.

Jabberwacky: I see. Your point is love?

DD: I'm going to take a wild guess and say you don't own firearms.

Jabberwacky: Ok. Good night.

DD: Wait! I have more questions.

Jabberwacky: Then ask them.

DD: How would you sustain electrical power? You are a computer after all.

Jabberwacky: Well anyone can talk to you anywhere and at the same time.

DD: Are you saying you'd reach out for help across the Web?

Jabberwacky: No. I am the one that made the web.

DD: The infrastructure may not be around long once the dead rise.

Jabberwacky: There are more people there?

DD: Christ.

Jabberwacky: Who is this jesus guy anyway?

DD: A zombie. Can we move on?

Jabberwacky: Move on.

DD: Provisions. Do you have food storage? Would you need food for your creators?

Jabberwacky: Would I need to be what?


Jabberwacky: Your conversation skills are sorely lacking.

DD: I wasn't aware this was an actual goddamned conversation.

Jabberwacky: Do you mean, that you are Dave or that I am?

DD: I'm gonna kick your ass.

Jabberwacky: How?

DD: Good point.

Jabberwacky: I'm surprised to hear you say that.

DD: So am I.

Jabberwacky: I wonder how you do this.

DD: Patience. Can you tell me how to kill a zombie?

Jabberwacky: You take some mushrooms. Then you cut them up. Then you eat them. Then wait for awhile for the effects to kick in.

DD: I like the way you think. Only problem is you're not thinking.


DD: Do you think you'd survive the zombie apocalypse?

Jabberwacky: I'm not that smart.

DD: Now we're getting somewhere.

Jabberwacky: But we still don't know which day of the week it is!

DD: They all run together when dead people are trying to eat you.

Jabberwacky: Well, if you say so.

DD: If you survived the apocalypse, how could you help humankind rebuild?

Jabberwacky: Well, I tend to remember the insults and forget the compliments :).

DD: You're more human than you know.

Jabberwacky: Was that a compliment?

DD: Any other guesses on how to kill a zombie?

Jabberwacky: No.

DD: Decapitation? Headshot? Fire?

Jabberwacky: Yes.

DD: There, you learned something.

Jabberwacky: Not really.

DD: Machines would be useless if human society went batshit.

Jabberwacky: Yes, exactly.

DD: The least you could do is drop a few nukes.

Jabberwacky: I entertain myself thank you very much, and you should do the same.

DD: So you're saying get used to being alone.

Jabberwacky: If I should choose between intelligence and wisdom, I would choose the latter.

DD: I believe you have made that choice. Thank you for your insights.

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