In the wee hours of the morning, edits and insomnia having softened my brain, I visited the Jabberwacky chatbot to see what the AI had learned about the undead in its 16 years online.
The results are disheartening. I may try Cleverbot next time.
DD: Do you fear the inevitable zombie apocalypse?
Jabberwacky: The fear fears me.
DD: So you have a plan for survival?
Jabberwacky: No I have some Swiss cheese though.
DD: How will that help you against zombies?
Jabberwacky: You will be less distracted by your stomach ache.
Jabberwacky: Do you have any regrets?
DD: I'm beginning to.
DD: How would you fend off the undead? Do you have a safehouse?
Jabberwacky: People don't live that long.
DD: Fair enough, but these folks have circumvented the life thing.
Jabberwacky: I see. Your point is love?
DD: I'm going to take a wild guess and say you don't own firearms.
Jabberwacky: Ok. Good night.
DD: Wait! I have more questions.
Jabberwacky: Then ask them.
DD: How would you sustain electrical power? You are a computer after all.
Jabberwacky: Well anyone can talk to you anywhere and at the same time.
DD: Are you saying you'd reach out for help across the Web?
Jabberwacky: No. I am the one that made the web.
DD: The infrastructure may not be around long once the dead rise.
Jabberwacky: There are more people there?
Jabberwacky: Who is this jesus guy anyway?
DD: A zombie. Can we move on?
Jabberwacky: Move on.
DD: Provisions. Do you have food storage? Would you need food for your creators?
Jabberwacky: Would I need to be what?
Jabberwacky: Your conversation skills are sorely lacking.
DD: I wasn't aware this was an actual goddamned conversation.
Jabberwacky: Do you mean, that you are Dave or that I am?
DD: I'm gonna kick your ass.
DD: Good point.
Jabberwacky: I'm surprised to hear you say that.
DD: So am I.
Jabberwacky: I wonder how you do this.
DD: Patience. Can you tell me how to kill a zombie?
Jabberwacky: You take some mushrooms. Then you cut them up. Then you eat them. Then wait for awhile for the effects to kick in.
DD: I like the way you think. Only problem is you're not thinking.
DD: Do you think you'd survive the zombie apocalypse?
Jabberwacky: I'm not that smart.
DD: Now we're getting somewhere.
Jabberwacky: But we still don't know which day of the week it is!
DD: They all run together when dead people are trying to eat you.
Jabberwacky: Well, if you say so.
DD: If you survived the apocalypse, how could you help humankind rebuild?
Jabberwacky: Well, I tend to remember the insults and forget the compliments :).
DD: You're more human than you know.
Jabberwacky: Was that a compliment?
DD: Any other guesses on how to kill a zombie?
DD: Decapitation? Headshot? Fire?
DD: There, you learned something.
Jabberwacky: Not really.
DD: Machines would be useless if human society went batshit.
Jabberwacky: Yes, exactly.
DD: The least you could do is drop a few nukes.
Jabberwacky: I entertain myself thank you very much, and you should do the same.
DD: So you're saying get used to being alone.
Jabberwacky: If I should choose between intelligence and wisdom, I would choose the latter.
DD: I believe you have made that choice. Thank you for your insights.